The Hot New Girl

it’s time to talk about cryptocurrency

TLDR: Make the stock market your wife. Make crypto your mistress.

Not a day goes by where a client or friend does not ask me about my thoughts on cryptocurrency. So here goes…

I’m in love with the U.S. stock market. I’ve known her since kindergarten. She’s smart, funny, ambitious and pretty. In 6th grade, she became my girlfriend. The relationship has had a lot of ups and a few small downs but it’s mostly been fantastic. We have a lot of history together and I’m confident that our relationship will do well in the long-run.

Last week, a brand new girl started going to my high school. Her name is Crypto. She’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen. She’s brilliant, hilarious and smoking hot. She’s much more complicated than all the other girls in a really sexy way. She’s forward thinking and loves to talk about the future. There’s even rumors that she’s into threesomes.

Even though I’ve only known Crypto for a week, I’m way more into her than any girl I’ve ever met. Don’t get me wrong, I still love Stock Market, but sometimes when I’m with her, I catch myself thinking about Crypto. Even when we’re having sex.

Last week, I found out that Crypto thinks I’m cute. She wants me to ask her out. I feel like I need to act fast! If I don’t do it now, all the other guys will snatch her up and she’ll be too expensive to take out in the future. But…what happens if I date Crypto and she turns out to be a psycho? She’s an unknown. I’ve know Stock Market since kindergarten and I’ve only known Cryto for a single week. It seems foolish to make decisions about a girl who I know so little about. My friend Warren Buffett thinks that Crypto is a mirage wearing a ton of makeup. He thinks Crypto is a flash in the pan and she’ll probably end up being expelled from school soon. Warren has never been wrong before.

FML. What should I do?

…

Good news! Stock Market and I had a really long talk. It turns out Stock Market is OK if we have an open relationship. As long as I wear protection, I can spend a small amount of time with Crypto. We came up with 3 important ground rules:
1. My retirement investments will always stay with Stock Market.
2. I keep 3–6 months of cash in a savings account for an emergency.
3. I can invest no more than 1% of my net worth into Crypto.

If Crypto ends up being a psycho and stealing my money, I can handle losing 1% of my net worth to her. And if Crypto is as incredible as some people think, then we’ll have some amazing times together. Maybe we’ll even have a threesome.